Having turned 48 last month, I realize more & more just how fleeting life is. Yet as old as I'm getting, I still revert to middle-school mentality on occasion. For example, if I'm being left out of any event or conversations of friends or co-workers, I am overcome by an inner voice whispering, "They don't like you, Cyndi. They are conspiring to keep you out--forever!" Yes, I am once again that 13-year-old, facing rejection from a group of friends.
That type of rejection hasn't happened to me in my adult days (that I know of) so my thoughts are truly irrational. But why is my self-esteem not secure? By God's grace, I have accomplished much to be proud of in my 48 years of life: I work at keeping my marriage strong; I am extremely proud that my children have grown to be compassionate, thoughtful followers of Christ. I was a professional in the field of education for many years, making a difference in the lives of students; and I am confident that soon I will become a licensed professional counselor, perhaps going on to help many who need a listening ear and someone to guide them to Hope. Why would I cower like an adolescent in certain situations?
I have been reading a book that has been on my "to read" list for decades: The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning. In a chapter describing God's love, he explains how grace through faith has established his self-image:
Justification by grace through faith means that I know myself accepted by God as I am. When my head is enlightened and my heart is pierced by this truth, I can accept myself as I am. Genuine self-acceptance is not derived from the power of positive thinking, mind games, or pop psychology. It is an act of faith in the God of grace. ... The acceptance of self does not mean to be resigned to the status quo. On the contrary, the more fully we accept ourselves, the more successfully we begin to grow. Love is a far better stimulus than threat or pressure. ... When we accept ourselves for what we are, we decrease our hunger for power or the acceptance of others because our self-intimacy reinforces our inner sense of security. We are no longer preoccupied with being powerful or popular. We no longer fear criticism because we accept the reality of our human limitations. Once integrated, we are less often plagued with the desire to please others because simply being true to ourselves brings lasting peace. We are grateful for life and we deeply appreciate and love ourselves.So I know I am a mere ragamuffin, but a ragamuffin loved and accepted by God. And I can accept myself--as I am--through an act of faith.
Often, however, I am lacking that enlightened head and pierced heart to maintain this truth in my life. I allow the circumstances of life to overtake me. I neglect my connection to the Spirit, Who is able to illuminate my mind (1Corinthians 2:9-11), and the Word of God which can penetrate my heart (Hebrews 4:12). And yet God continues to summon me, gently calling to me, accepting me despite those times I slip into former ways of thinking. I am ever-so-grateful for a fresh start every day--and a new year to listen and follow (John 10:27) my Good Shepherd.Here's to Living Awake in the Present during 2013! Here's to Daily Meditation and Surrendering! And here's to the One Who Makes It Possible: Jesus, who is both Ragamuffin and King!
